How much is too much?

Before I say anything else I need to get this out there: I am incredibly grateful that I have a job that pays my bills, not everyone is that lucky.
But there are days, more and more frequently, when I find myself wondering if it’s worth it. When I come home late at night after working 11½-13 hours, with a bone-deep ache in my body and completely drained of energy, only to do it all again the next day. The past two weeks or so have been a cycle of working three full days, having one off, and I’m feeling the strain. While my mind is happy to stay a child, my body is quite forcefully reminding me that it no longer belongs to a teenager and can’t handle the break-neck pace it used to. My sleep-schedule is shot, I haven’t been able to sleep a full night, without waking up at least once, in weeks and I’ve lost what little appetite I had. I find myself struggling to keep up with the regulars, my attention drifting more easily than usual and I frequently lose track of what I was doing. Luckily I have a three-day weekend off starting tomorrow, and I’m gonna use it fully to recharge my batteries. Maybe if I sleep for three days this constant tiredness will finally leave. Here’s hoping.

Oh, and have a wonderful Easter everyone!

Darkness of the Mind

When you’ve woken up several days in a row with a nagging and insistent headache, you can more or less figure out from the get-go that the day ahead is not gonna be pleasant. I have yet to be proven wrong.

I like my job most of the time. While it’s mentally and socially draining, leaving me with little to no energy in the evenings, our regulars and my co-workers usually make it worth it.

Then there are days like yesterday. When headache-induced nausea is your constant companion and you (vividly) imagine yourself setting the place on fire just to be able to leave early. When you really want to scratch the eyes out of the head of one of your more annoying regulars, but you’re forced to smile and be polite because that is your damn job.

And days like today is a different beast all together. When you’re planning to sleep in and do nothing for the day, and your phone wakes you up at 7am because your boss has a migraine… Again… She only needed me to cover until 2pm, which is a small blessing because it meant I could take the bus, but it disrupted my day enough that I was exhausted when I got to work. I know that I really shouldn’t have gotten out of bed when people start telling me that I look really tired and start asking me if I’m okay. I have been working with a constant headache for days and nobody noticed a thing, but I can’t hide a slight case of tiredness? That’s definitely not good. I managed to pull myself together when the clock approached noon, but that is too late. It is not something that I usually have to do consciously, it manages itself as soon as opening time approaches, but not days like this. I’m just hoping that I will get my full day off tomorrow, or I’m afraid that our customers will have to be served by a complete zombie and that just isn’t on.

Smile

It’s the small things that betray her, if you look close enough to see it.
Eyes dulled with boredom and the slight tired strain around them.
The way they skitter around the room,
looking for a focus point and occasionally linger on the headphones on the shelf.
The way her fingers subconsciously brush against her phone in her pocket when she speaks.
She looks happy they say and she smiles and agrees, but her shoulders tense just a fraction.
She wears her smile as if it was an old loved piece of clothing, something she perfected many years ago.
It distracts and pulls the attention from what she knows would give her away.
They don’t notice, few ever does.
They allow themselves to be distracted by her smile, as she know they will.
Her mind is a million miles away, running at an uncontrollable speed.
Physical pain, mental exhaustion, irritation and boredom alike are forced into submission below the surface.
And still she smiles.

Uhm… Wow, yeah… I don’t really know what happened here to be honest. My mind does strange things while I’m at work and places things like this in my head. I kind of liked how it came together though, so I’m leaving it here for your reading pleasure.

Goal for 2016: Get a life?

New Year Resolution:
Get a life. Or, at least something resembling a social life.
Luna A. Sky

I thought for quite a while about if I would make a resolution at all this year since I can’t seem to keep them anyway, and I couldn’t think of anything. Then it hit me, in the middle of Christmas celebrations.

I need to get a grip on my life, or more specifically my social life. Because let’s face the facts; during 2015 it has been close to non-existent. Part of it is because I work too much (200+ hours a month doesn’t leave me much spare time) and my irregular and unpredictable schedule. This leads to me not having the energy to be social on my days off. Another part is purely practical. I don’t drive much unless I have to, especially this time of year, because it’s cold and time-consuming. In consequence, I haven’t really spent much time in the company of other people apart from at work, D and my immediate family (mainly mom and M), and I’ve started to realize that this is rather sad. So my New Years resolution ended up being to get a life.

As for how that’s going, well… Let’s just say that we are two weeks into 2016 and so far it’s going to hell. I screwed it up immediately on New Year’s Eve in fact. The first thing that I did after the clock struck twelve was not sending out New Year texts to my friends and family, though I did wish D a happy new year. No, the first thing I did was make a big bowl of popcorn, put my headphones on and sink into my computer chair to watch Death Note videos on YouTube… And while I have been having 2-3 hour long phone-calls every other day with one of my oldest friends, I haven’t actually met anyone socially for the entire two weeks of the year… Seriously, I haven’t even seen mom and M… I might get away with it by blaming the weather though, as the snow arrived immediately after New Year’s Eve and still haven’t left. The roads are horrible and I’d rather not drive on them more than I really have to. I even try to avoid having to drive to and from work if I can, because frankly it’s terrifying. The last two times I drove (latest this morning) I had to drive with both feet down to the ground just to keep my balance, it’s that icy. I really need to get started on that driver’s licence soon because this is getting out of hand. But I’m getting of topic here, my point is that I might still be able to salvage this resolution when the weather gets better.

So let’s all keep our fingers crossed that I have the determination and willpower to make this happen! Wish me luck (I’ll probably need it)!

Death Note Frenzy

Long, boring and snowy day at work and an even longer drive home (seriously, the road home have never felt so long) but I came home to a lovely surprise. The Death Note hoodie that I had ordered was waiting for me when I entered the house! It’s really soft and warm and beautiful and I love it to bits and pieces! This is the one if you want to check it out, since I don’t have a photo of it right now.

Getting this gem sent me back into the Death Note frenzy that I thought had started to dissipate with the holidays and new year. Not that I’m complaining, I can’t think of a better frenzy to be in to be honest. So I thought that I’d share a few favorite videos of mine with you all, wasn’t that a great idea? I’ll just post them here shall I? Oh, and all of these videos were made by LindaK on YouTube and feature Drama!Lawlight. She is amazing, just telling you.

Giving these two a happier ending is always a good thing and this video does just that.

This one is seriously way more adorable than it has any right to be considering the very interesting (and somewhat filthy) things it does to my imagination. The creator described it as pure sin, and I have no arguments against that what so ever.

Lawlight look exchanges set to the music of ‘Hungry Eyes’. It couldn’t have been more perfect if you ask me. The best part about this is that all of these looks actually happened in the way shown here, they look in each other’s eyes for a great part of their time together. And the end cracks me up every time I watch it.

Speaking of crack…

This is about 15 minutes of pure gold. It has my emotions run up and down like a roller-coaster, but it is pure gold. I think I have watched it far too many times, but it’s still as good as the first!

And now that I have left you with these amazing pieces of awesome, I’ll leave you to your viewing pleasure and go to bed before I get stuck re-watching all of them again. Have a wonderful night everyone!

Post-Christmas Lazy

After spending two days celebrating Christmas with my family I am now officially exhausted and rather happy to have the house to myself for a little bit. Just lazying around in comfy clothes and eating candy (because I literally have enough to bring me well into the new year) and drinking coffee.. And catching up on YouTube videos… Yeah, I have never claimed to have a life..

I’m old enough not to get that many Christmas presents, which actually suits me pretty well, but we do play a gift game and I had some luck with that this year. I think my absolute favorite gift this year is something that I haven’t really gotten yet though. Instead I got a small transparent box with a note inside that made me laugh. The note translates roughly like this:

Your gift have not arrived yet so you have to wait
-M

I’m not entirely sure why this note was hilarious, but it was. Maybe because I know very well what I’m going to get and know that I’m going to love it to bits and pieces. It’s a little something that are going on my nerd shelf along with everything else that makes me all giddy and geeky. I will tell you when it arrives so look forward to having me freaking out.

I actually ordered a few goodies for myself as well so when those arrive I will probably freak out over here as well. Really looking forward to it.

And now I’m going back to my coffee and YouTube and hoping that everyone had a wonderful Christmas!

**** this I going back home to bed!

Seriously, this is one of those days when nothing goes right and it’s not even noon yet!
There are few weathers that I dislike driving is more than the fog that has been the past few days (the downpour that soaked me to the skin last night is one) but storm winds top the list. Cue my drive this morning…

And then it came to changing the oil in the deep fryer… It’s not news that me and that damn machine are sworn enemies but today was not actually its fault. I was walking out the door with the full bucket of hot oil and… well, I’m not entrely sure how it happened to be honest. Maybe the wind caught it, maybe my foot when walking down the steps. Either way the oil suddenly made a fountain out of the bucket… I suppose I should count myself lucky that the left hand took the worst of it (though my right wrist took a small amount of damage as well) so I can still use my dominant hand, but I sure as hell don’t feel lucky…

Long story short, today sucks and I would much rather be at home in bed than at work with a hand that won’t stop burning.